I hate my computer.

It just decided to delete the HUGE entry I had just written.

All about feeling good and chilled and then eating sausages and now feeling pent-up and nervous.

Trust me, it made a lot more sense the first time round.

Bugger.

I am the poster girl for that suburban sickness…

Possible side-effects from my little green pills:

“Fluoxetine as with most antidepressants can cause nausea, headaches, anxiety, insomnia, drowsiness, and loss of appetite. Fluoxetine has been implicated in serious skin rashes and vasculitis. Increased blood pressure can occur and should be monitored. Seizures have been reported. Life-threatening interactions can occur in combination with MAO inhibitors, such as nardil and parnate. MAO inhibitors and fluoxetine should not be taken together and a waiting period of 14 days between taking these two classes of medications is strongly advised.”

Also -

“Body as a Whole ¾ Frequent: chest pain, chills; Infrequent: chills and fever, face edema, intentional overdose, malaise, pelvic pain, suicide attempt; Rare: acute abdominal syndrome, hypothermia, intentional injury, neuroleptic malignant syndrome¹, photosensitivity reaction.

Cardiovascular System ¾ Frequent: hemorrhage, hypertension, palpitation; Infrequent: angina pectoris, arrhythmia, congestive heart failure, hypotension, migraine, myocardial infarct, postural hypotension, syncope, tachycardia, vascular headache; Rare: atrial fibrillation, bradycardia, cerebral embolism, cerebral ischemia, cerebrovascular accident, extrasystoles, heart arrest, heart block, pallor, peripheral vascular disorder, phlebitis, shock, thrombophlebitis, thrombosis, vasospasm, ventricular arrhythmia, ventricular extrasystoles, ventricular fibrillation.

Digestive System ¾ Frequent: increased appetite, nausea and vomiting; Infrequent: aphthous stomatitis, cholelithiasis, colitis, dysphagia, eructation, esophagitis, gastritis, gastroenteritis, glossitis, gum hemorrhage, hyperchlorhydria, increased salivation, liver function tests abnormal, melena, mouth ulceration, nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, stomach ulcer, stomatitis, thirst; Rare: biliary pain, bloody diarrhea, cholecystitis, duodenal ulcer, enteritis, esophageal ulcer, fecal incontinence, gastrointestinal hemorrhage, hematemesis, hemorrhage of colon, hepatitis, intestinal obstruction, liver fatty deposit, pancreatitis, peptic ulcer, rectal hemorrhage, salivary gland enlargement, stomach ulcer hemorrhage, tongue edema.

Endocrine System ¾ Infrequent: hypothyroidism; Rare: diabetic acidosis, diabetes mellitus.

Hemic and Lymphatic System ¾ Infrequent: anemia, ecchymosis; Rare: blood dyscrasia, hypochromic anemia, leukopenia, lymphedema, lymphocytosis, petechia, purpura, thrombocythemia, thrombocytopenia.

Metabolic and Nutritional ¾ Frequent: weight gain; Infrequent: dehydration, generalized edema, gout, hypercholesteremia, hyperlipemia, hypokalemia, peripheral edema; Rare: alcohol intolerance, alkaline phosphatase increased, BUN increased, creatine phosphokinase increased, hyperkalemia, hyperuricemia, hypocalcemia, iron deficiency anemia, SGPT increased.

Musculoskeletal System ¾ Infrequent: arthritis, bone pain, bursitis, leg cramps, tenosynovitis; Rare: arthrosis, chondrodystrophy, myasthenia, myopathy, myositis, osteomyelitis, osteoporosis, rheumatoid arthritis.

Nervous System ¾ Frequent: agitation, amnesia, confusion, emotional lability, sleep disorder; Infrequent: abnormal gait, acute brain syndrome, akathisia, apathy, ataxia, buccoglossal syndrome, CNS depression, CNS stimulation, depersonalization, euphoria, hallucinations, hostility, hyperkinesia, hypertonia, hypesthesia, incoordination, libido increased, myoclonus, neuralgia, neuropathy, neurosis, paranoid reaction, personality disorder² , psychosis, vertigo; Rare: abnormal electroencephalogram, antisocial reaction, circumoral paresthesia, coma, delusions, dysarthria, dystonia, extrapyramidal syndrome, foot drop, hyperesthesia, neuritis, paralysis, reflexes decreased, reflexes increased, stupor.

Respiratory System ¾ Infrequent: asthma, epistaxis, hiccup, hyperventilation; Rare: apnea, atelectasis, cough decreased, emphysema, hemoptysis, hypoventilation, hypoxia, larynx edema, lung edema, pneumothorax, stridor.

Skin and Appendages ¾ Infrequent: acne, alopecia, contact dermatitis, eczema, maculopapular rash, skin discoloration, skin ulcer, vesiculobullous rash; Rare: furunculosis, herpes zoster, hirsutism, petechial rash, psoriasis, purpuric rash, pustular rash, seborrhea.

Special Senses ¾ Frequent: ear pain, taste perversion, tinnitus; Infrequent: conjunctivitis, dry eyes, mydriasis, photophobia; Rare: blepharitis, deafness, diplopia, exophthalmos, eye hemorrhage, glaucoma, hyperacusis, iritis, parosmia, scleritis, strabismus, taste loss, visual field defect.

Urogenital System ¾ Frequent: urinary frequency; Infrequent: abortion ³ , albuminuria, amenorrhea ³ , anorgasmia, breast enlargement, breast pain, cystitis, dysuria, female lactation ³ , fibrocystic breast ³ , hematuria, leukorrhea ³ , menorrhagia ³ , metrorrhagia ³ , nocturia, polyuria, urinary incontinence, urinary retention, urinary urgency, vaginal hemorrhage ³ ; Rare: breast engorgement, glycosuria, hypomenorrhea ³ , kidney pain, oliguria, priapism ³ , uterine hemorrhage ³ , uterine fibroids enlarged ³ .

¹ Neuroleptic malignant syndrome is the COSTART term which best captures serotonin syndrome.

² Personality disorder is the COSTART term for designating nonaggressive objectionable behavior.

³ Adjusted for gender. “

 Well goodness me.  A special prize to anyone who actually reads all of that

I’ll keep a close eye on the proceedings, but so far all I’ve had is queasy tummy, complete loss of appetite (122lbs here I come…), headache, dizzyness, and a few moments of “WTF?! AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!”

So I seem to be doing well, all things considered.

In other news, I still have no eyebrows   And I’m getting used to it too.

Hmmm….according to all sources, my little pills have an “energising effect”.

That might explain my sudden surge in productivity at work! I can’t seem to stop Which is all good in the long run! It’s quite cool, actually. At least I feel motivated to do many many things…and in fairness, they have barely even kicked in yet. I must dutifully wait the 2-3 week period until they start to work properly…so this means that my positive outlook over the last few days has entirely been due to you guys, cats, chats, coffee, friends and parents.

Excellent.

I have just completed a 12 hour shift.

I had a headache, interesting side-effects from meds, and unspeakable stomach cramps.

I still managed to only have one funny moment, do 65 calls and process 2 loans.

I think I deserve a medal I am, certifiably, AMAAAAZING.

What’s more, I’m back there at 8am tomorrow morning…bring it on biatches

Dear Miss Slytherin Head Girl,

Please read the following carefully:

FLUOXETINE – brand name PROZAC -

“Fluoxetine hydrochloride is an antidepressant drug used medically in the treatment of depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, bulimia nervosa, premenstrual dysphoric disorder and panic disorder. Fluoxetine is also used (off-label) to treat many other conditions, such as ADHD. Fluoxetine was derived from diphenhydramine, an antihistamine found to inhibit reuptake of the neurotransmitter serotonin.

Compared to other popular selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), fluoxetine has a strong energizing effect. This makes fluoxetine highly effective in treatment of clinical depression cases where symptoms like depressed mood and lack of energy prevail. Although stimulating, it is also approved for a variety of anxiety disorders, including panic disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder.”

Welcome back to the medicated generation, Miss Slytherin Head Girl, we missed you. 

Your course of tablets will be supplemented by a series of counselling sessions, once we are able to find a slot for you.  We are glad that you decided to come and seek our assistance and realise that the difficulties you experienced in the past were not entirely behind you.  Maybe this time, you will overcome a few more of your deeprooted fears and issues and come out the other side as a near-complete person, rather than the unfinished butterfly that you are at the moment.  This is YOUR choice and YOUR chance, so grab it with both hands, do not be ashamed and FIND YOURSELF again.

Kindest regards, and with much love,

Your Best Intentions, Self-Presevation, and that little girl called Chloë

xxx

It is POURING with rain here in Brighton.

I’m giving serious consideration to going outside just to run around in it.

Is it meant to break your heart when you find out that someone you care about is getting in touch with all his lovely female friends from his past, and one of them is his ex and first lover?

Is it actually meant to hurt this much?

Is it right?

Is this going to make me stronger?

Is this supposed to make me sad, mad or just numb?

I feel like I’m acting in a play that no-one’s finished and I haven’t been given my lines for the day.

3 way bloggery – I have kidnapped myself a Fox In The Snow and a Mr Awesomelies.

Wicked

Mr Lies has drunk absinthe and is now crashed out on my bed and Miss Foxxy is reading a copy of Bizarre.

I have an overload of things to tell you all in the morning…mostly about seagulls and shrinking goldfish, but hey

So…I think there’s actually something to be said about retail therapy…sometimes, and if possible, it is so necessary. There’s a self-indulgent gorgeousness to it, a soothing, healing, patch-me-up-and-send-me-on-my-way vibe. Ok, so it won’t fix me, it won’t mend the cracks but it HELPS.

The evidence?

I’ve just returned from town laden down with purchases – £159.99’s worth of clothes, but as they were from TK MAXX I spent but £61.96 of my hard earned money on them! Total saving = £98.03. OH, how I love bargains. YAY and JOY for new trousers and scarves and dresses and tops, all designer labels for me to mutilate and customise!

I also wandered into Churchill Square – it was late in the day so it wasn’t full of chavs or buggies and in HMV I bought myself “Memoirs of a Geisha” and a Dresden Dolls CD. Both of these purchase are making me want to paint my face up and wander around the town pretending to be made of porcelain. I might, actually.

However, my best purchase, without doubt was these:

NEW SHOES ARE LOVE. ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE CATS ON THEM

Rah

So yes, I’m feeling really good after that huge dose of consumer warfare!

One final thing – MINI-BLINKS tomorrow – WOOOOO

I was utterly unable to sleep tonight. I tried. I really did. I barely even drank any coffee yesterday. I even got into bed and read Harry Potter. I listened to Classic FM.

I admitted defeat at around 3.30am.

I spent a long while re-reading emails and looking at ebay and buying things on play.com and playing on MySpace. I also listened to a handful of Dresden Dolls songs over and over. This one especially made me think of my alter-ego, Miss Head Girl:

Raise your glass
We have incorporated
Place your bets
We’re all so sick of waiting
Queen takes jack
You got me this time but i”ll get you back
So pick a number

To all the ones who tried the most was I supposed to cheer your efforts
Sorry that I chose so poorly
Golly gee, am I the poster girl?

She’s the kind of girl who looks for love in all the lonely places
The kind who comes to poker pockets stuffed with kings and aces
She’s the kind of girl who only asks you over when its raining
Just to make you lie there catching water dripping from the ceiling

Lift your hats
Off to the checkout girls with tattooed backs
They’d make an angels skin crawl
If you ask them for assistance
There’s an even chance
You’ll get a number

To all the girls at pearl the surly boys who get to masticate them
I’ve a prize for each and every one of you so just be patient
To all the ones that hated me the most a toast
You really had me going for a second I was nervous, boy, am I the poster girl?

She’s the kind of girl who gets her slings and arrows from the dumpster
The kind who tells you she’s bipolar just to make you trust her
She’s the kind of girl who leaves out condoms on the bedroom dresser
Just to make you jealous of the men she fucked before you met her

To all the ones who thought they knew me best, a test to prove your prowess
Who was mine in ‘99? I want last names and current status
To all the ones who hated me the most, a toast you really had me going for second I was nervous, boy, am I the poster girl
for some suburban sickness? Better keep a healthy distance
Now its up to you, know what to do, its pretty
Dirty business

I marvelled at the number of mentalists from your past that re-appear in a cyber way when you reluctantly update your personal details on MySpace, because it feels like the sensible, true thing to do, and change your status to single. You know, it’s like, if I didn’t fuck you way back when, chances are you aren’t in with much of a chance now – well, if you are now fat and desperate and can’t even spell or punctuate your messages properly. I know that sounds unkind, or bitter…but hey…now that the one I wanted doesn’t want me anymore, if the best I can attract is frightening ex-stalkeresque people, I think a certain amount of vitriol is allowed. Especially as it is 5.53am according to my phone. I feel pretty pathetic, being as I didn’t even really know what I had in him til he closed the door on me. I know this will all lift once I’ve had another cup of coffee and the sun has risen properly, so please don’t worry.

Seriously, I think I’d weather the storms, I’d walk oceans of ice, I’d do anything it took to get him back. Sadly the only thing I could viably do is wait and see while he got to decide if it was worth saving. And he decided it wasn’t. I think I’ll cut my losses while I still have time and just be honest here:

Tom, I loved you. I always did. I just didn’t know how to show you the way you deserved.

There, for what it’s worth, you’ve been named, oh Spikey one, I’ve brought you back out of the shadowy darkness. I’m carving your name on the Dorm wall, into the ancient wood, with a sword that makes noises. In letters a foot high.

♥TOM♥

I don’t care if Snape wants to punish me for this blantant act of vandalism, I still think you’re worth a 1000 hours of Detention.